she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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