So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
