Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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