Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
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Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
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I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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