His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
There's always time for handjobs
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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