dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
