Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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