Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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