fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
