So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
me + whiskey = a bad person
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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