Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
