my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
