i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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