I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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