i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
