I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
