roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
