im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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