he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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