nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
