So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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