Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Hippo gnu deer
Im just a social blackout drinker.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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