Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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