Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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