Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
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I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
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I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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