So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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