apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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