I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
