You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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