I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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