You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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