just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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