i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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