So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
