our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Couch. On fire.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
