This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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