Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
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