he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
