im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
