I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
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On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
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rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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