Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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