I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
