woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
