my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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