I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
