1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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