At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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