do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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