Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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