dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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