i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
