Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Reggie can tackle my bush.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
