When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
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