he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
