I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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