Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
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After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
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so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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