is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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