sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He shit in the fireplace
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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