good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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